On To The Next Steps

Last week, I had my final chemotherapy treatment for ovarian cancer. So far, I’ve been laying around and sleeping a lot, as this last dose of cancer-killing agents does its thing, so I haven’t really had a chance to reflect on the significance of this stage in my recovery. I did send out an email to my mail list, and in her reply, my minister said:

You've reached a real milestone. Now you can begin the next phase of recovery – assimilating what all this has meant and where your life is now. What a champ!

My first reaction to her words is to think about my earlier post on “Bravery.” In some ways, I really don’t feel like I’ve done anything all that special, other than follow the doctor’s orders.

On the other hand, though, I do know that I’ve gone through a number of transformations. The most obvious is physical, of course. I no longer have a uterus or cervix or ovaries or fallopian tubes. Or cancer cells. I now have hot flashes and an eight-inch scar up the center of my belly and lingering soreness in my abdomen whenever I try to push myself physically (like undertaking additional household chores).

And there are a lot of emotional changes. Before my surgery, which marked my official diagnosis, there was still the hope that I did not have cancer. Since then, I know that I have had cancer, and I will always have the fear of recurrence with me. Sometimes the fear is rather strong and overwhelming. Most of the time it is just a dull ache in the back of my mind. However, despite that fear, I also have a great deal of hope. My cancer was caught early, unusually early for the type of cancer it is. I have a sense of being given a second chance – not just to continue living, but to live my life in a way that is richer and more true to the ideals I’ve imagined for myself. I’m excited about the possibilities that will open to me in this next phase of my life.

I think that I have also undergone spiritual transformation as well. This is related to the feeling of being given a second chance, but there is more. I feel more grateful for the things that I have. I’ve always enjoyed spending time with my parents, but I really relish it now. I do still get irritated and upset over little things, but the feelings seem to dissipate faster – and if they don’t, I’ve got plenty to remind me that life is too short to cry over spilled milk (or milk leaking out of the blender, as it did yesterday!). I feel that there is some purpose that I am supposed to serve out. I’m not sure what it is, and maybe it is not one big event or thing, but a series of small steps. I’m looking forward to seeing it unfold.

Of course, all these transformations are ongoing. I guess I am just beginning the process of assimilation that my minister mentioned in her email to me. On to the next steps!