A Car Ride Through Memories

 So after tai chi class this evening I stopped at Layne’s Chicken for dinner. I was not favorably impressed. The food was tolerable, but not good. Raisin’ Canes is better.

Then I drove home. I opened my sunroof and my windows, with the music turned up. It reminded me of driving around during summer evenings during grad school, first in my 1977 Chevy Impala (with holes in the floor board and gas tank!) and then my 1986 Chevy Prism (which had an aftermarket sunroof that leaked when it rained). I’m even listening to the same music! (at least tonight I was). I used to drive around to entertain myself. I guess I was kind of lonely in the evenings back then. That was before I discovered UUism and joined the church in Kent. Many of my friends in school were married and didn’t live in Kent. Of course, during the summer, I should have been industrious, working on my foreign language requirement or working up some of my research papers into articles for publication.

But I wasn’t industrious or ambitious enough. Oh, I was an excellent student when class was in session in fall and spring semester. I had a 4.0 grade point average throughout my MA and Ph.D. programs. But during the summer, I just messed around. Hung out with my friends (during the day), played video games, and rode my bike to Brady Lake and up to campus. Anything but academic work, except during the six weeks I had summer school. I guess I was just too used to summer’s off from schoolwork.

And also I guess that lack of industriousness and ambition was the reason I did not finish my Ph.D. and why I was ultimately not cut out for professional academic life. I was good at being a student when taking classes were involved. But all this “working up” of side projects, like publishing papers, was not for me. At least not at the time. I was deadline driven. And without a deadline, I did nothing. 

I was also kinda stuck in an extended adolescence. I was struggling to deal with my sexual orientation (that could be a whole series of blog entries). I was flailing around in my mind, trying to figure out what I really wanted to do with my life. I was searching spiritually. I was kind of a mess.

Looking back at that time, though, I was learning and growing. The struggles and flailing and searching did propel me on the path to my life now. It took 30 years, but I’m finally getting my shit together. Not perfect, but much more self-aware and responsive than the younger version of me. Now if I only had the energy of youth!