Saturday, July 19, 2025

Coming Out, yet again

 

I hate it when I have to come out to someone, especially someone I just met. To be clear, I don’t make a habit of telling people as soon as I meet them, “Oh yeah, btw, I’m gay.” I figure that over the course of knowing someone, if I just talk about my life, they’ll figure it out.

But coming out to someone individually is different for me than, say, talking about my sexual orientation from the pulpit at church or writing in my blog about it. One might think those things might be more difficult, but for me, they are not. I’m not sure why. Maybe because in those situations, I’m shielded from people’s immediate individual reactions to the information. My listeners or my readers may react and give me their reactions, but there is generally something less immediate about it. And the thing is, I’ve not yet really had a bad reaction from anyone when I’ve told them one-on-one in person that I’m gay. But it is something that I have always feared. I’m afraid of the feeling of rejection.

I also hate that I have to keep making the decision about whether to come out in different situations over and over again. And that I have to come out at all. In our heteronormative culture, everyone assumes everyone else is cisgender and heterosexual (unless proven otherwise). And everyone does it. I do it. If nothing else, it seems a lot safer to assume this, or at least to act like I am.

Anyway, I met in person with someone I met from the Flattie-OH Facebook page (a meet-up/support group for people who either have had mastectomies with flat closures or explanted their implants to flat). We’re talking about carpooling to an overnight event in the Hocking Hills area. Since I might be in a car for like seven hours round trip with this person, I figure that I should know whether she is homophobic or not. I actually considered opening our conversation with “I know that this is a dealbreaker for some people, so I just wanted to let you know that I’m gay.” I didn’t’ actually do that. We had a really nice conversation, and she eventually asked, “so, you’ve never married?” So I replied, “No, and if I ever were to, it would be to a woman.” She didn’t’ seem to blanch at that. She asked if my parents are okay with that, and I said yes. And then we went on with our conversation. Still, I felt a little uneasy, and still do. We’ll see if our plans to travel together come to fruition. I hope so, because I really enjoyed her company, and I am more comfortable driving with a companion. But I am always a little insecure when I come out to someone new.

Friday, July 11, 2025

10 albums in 10 days challenge - 2020

 

Back in 2020, on Facebook, I responded to a “10 albums in 10 days” challenge that my sister-in-law tagged me in. I came across it recently and decided to share it here. I’m also working on a new list for 2025 (although it’ll take me longer than 10 days.)


 I accept Karen Celinski’s “10 albums in 10 days” challenge.

The rules are you post 10 albums, 1 every day. The original way was to leave no explanation, but the explanation is the fun part!

It does NOT have to be a “best of all time” album, just an album you think is noteworthy for whatever reason, be it personal or musical.

 

1. The Flirtations – Three

The final album by the final incarnation of this LGBT a cappella group. As in their earlier work, Three continued to both celebrate gay culture with fun and clever songs (e.g., Food Chain; Fun, Fun, Fun; Mister Sandman) and to call to action in the AIDs crisis and homophobia (Breaths, On Children, Do Not Turn Away, Everything Possible)

The harmonies and complicated arrangements are stunning. If you think Pentatonix is good, you should hear the Flirtations.

This album is particularly special to me because it includes my favorite song, Everything Possible, which takes the point of view of a parent talking to a child about how the parent will always love the child, no matter:

You can be anybody you want to be,

You can love whomever you will

You can travel any country where your heart leads

And know I will love you still

You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around,

You can choose one special one

And the only measure of your words and your deeds

Will be the love you leave behind when you're done.

How I wish I had heard this song when I was growing up. While I know now that my parents love me, gayness and all, it was something I could not imagine when I was growing up.

 

 10 albums 10 days, Day 2

 

Metallica – “Load”

 

One of my favorite Metallica albums. I also think it is underrated. While I love their early thrash albums, I find Load to be a good mix of their heavier side with the radio-friendly aspects of the Black album.

 

In addition, this album contains my favorite Metallica track "Bleeding Me". I love the lyrics of this song, the way James Hetfield sings, and Kirk Hammett’s guitar solos. I was in graduate school when this album was released, and I was struggling with what I wanted to do with my life, mental health issues, and the process of continuing to come out. “Bleeding Me” is a song about struggling that resonates deeply with me.

 

I also remember taking my daily walks listening to this album. The first two tracks (“Ain’t My Bitch,” “2 X 4”) were great for setting a pace for my walk.

 

Another standout track for me is "The Outlaw Torn", another song about struggle.

 

 10 albums 10 days, Day 3

 

Pantera – “Vulgar Display of Power”

 

This is one of my all-time favorite albums. I remember when I first heard it. I was in graduate school, but was home for spring break. One evening, after my parents went to sleep, I decided to play this new cassette I got. I had to play it quietly on my boom box, because I had no headphones. I was transfixed by the album. I knew a few tracks in that this would become a classic album. “Vulgar Display of Power” has a heavy sound, but also has a groove to it, thanks to the work of drummer Vinnie Paul and bassist Rex Brown. Guitarist Dimebag Darrell could really shred it, with intricate, original leads. His rhythm work also added to the groove. Phil Anselmo’s vocals range from screams and howls to more conventional singing.

One of the things I love about this album is how it – in some songs – brings positive messages about standing up for oneself, such as on “A New Level” and "Fucking Hostile". “Rise” makes a case for creating a society that does not hate, that is based on pride and mutual respect.

Of course, an album of this genre wouldn’t be complete without a dark song or two. “This Love” is from the point of view of a man who seduces a woman into a creepy, abusive relationship. “Hollow” is about a man whose best friend is in a comatose state. The song starts fairly softly, but transforms into a howl with the lyrics “mad at God” repeated.

 

10 albums in 10 days, Day 4 (Yes, I’m a little late with this. Sorry)

 

Melissa Etheridge – “Your Little Secret”

 

While not as commercially successful as her previous album (“Yes I Am), I have a sweet spot for this album. For one thing, the title song rocks and Melissa performs one of the best screams of any vocalist I’ve ever heard.

 

This album also reflects the influence of Bruce Springsteen on Melissa, in songs like “Nowhere to Go”, “I Want to Come Over” and "Shriner's Park".

 

Melissa’s band on the album is really tight. John Shanks really shreds on guitar, Mark Brown is rocking on bass, and Kenny Aronoff tops it off with some awesome drumming.

 

10 albums in 10 days, Day 5

 

ABBA – Super Trouper

 

In addition to being a big ol’ metal head and a rocker in general, I love ABBA. I have since I was introduced to them when I was about 10 or so. I love the harmonies, the over-the-top-choruses, the layering of sounds. Benny Andersson and Björn Ulvaeus wrote some snazzy tunes, and Agnetha Fältskog and Frida Lyngstad really delivered on the vocals.

 

Super Trouper is my favorite ABBA album. “The Winner Takes It All" is the best known song on the album, but there are other gems, such as the title track (with its particularly over-the-top chorus), "On and on and On" (with its rollicking chorus and clever lyrics), and “Andante, Andante" (a tender song about making love).

 

Other standouts include “Me and I" (which explores the dual parts of the protagonist a la Dr. Freud), "Happy New Year" (the end of 1979, with wondering what “lies waiting down the line in the end of ‘89”), "The Piper" (a Pied-Piper attracting adults to dance their lives away) and "The Way Old Friends Do”.

 

10 albums in 10 days, Day 6

 

Bon Jovi – “New Jersey”

 

Bon Jovi is one of my favorite bands. I enjoy their music from back in the day, as well as recent releases (special shout out to “Burning Bridges” and “This House Is Not for Sale”).

 

But for my Bon Jovi selection, I have to go old school with “New Jersey”. This album is classic 80s hard rock. The tunes are catchy, there are great hooks, the vocal harmonies between Jon and Richie are outstanding, and the musicianship of the entire band is excellent.

 

It is hard to pick out highlights from this album because all the tracks are so good. My particular favorites –  excluding the excellent songs that were singles – are "Wild Is the Wind" (I love the contrast between the chorus and the verses) , "Stick to Your Guns" (another in Bon Jovi’s line of songs about sticking up for yourself) and "Love for Sale" (a track that simulates jammin’ during a songwriting session).

 

 

10 albums in 10 days, Day 7 (yeah, I’m behind, sorry)

 

Janis Ian – “God & the FBI”

 

I was turned on to Janis Ian by a friend from my church when I was in grad school. She convinced me to go with her to a Janis Ian show at Cain Park. The only song I knew of Ian’s was “At Seventeen”. I was transfixed by Ian’s performance. Her vocals were amazing, her guitar playing was spot on, and the songs were varied and excellent.

“God & the FBI” is one of my favorites of Janis Ian’s albums. It has all the things I love about her music: her classic lost love songs (“She Must Be Beautiful”), amusing songs with clever lyrics (“Jolene”, “Boots Like Emmy Lou's”), political songs (“God & the FBI”), songs of a spiritual nature (“On The Other Side”).

To get the story behind the album, as well as lyrics, see this link: https://www.janisian.com/albums/god.php

 

10 albums in 10 days, Day 8

 

Peter, Paul, and Mary – “A Holiday Celebration”

 

This entry is a twofer for me, encompassing my love of PP&M and my love of Christmas music.

 

This album is a companion piece to the PBS holiday special by PP&M (along with The New York Choral Society and a full orchestra). I actually like the PBS special more than the album, because the former had more songs in it.

 

As far as PP&M, I love their intricate harmonies and arrangements, on display especially in “A Soalin’”; “The Cherry Tree Carol”; and with the choir on “Children Go Where I Send Thee” and “Hayo, Haya”. I’m also impressed by the guitar work of Peter and Paul, particularly on “A Soalin’”. I also love their songs dealing with social justice and change (which are not really showcased on this album, except for the inclusion of “Blowin’ in the Wind”.)

 

My love of Christmas music might puzzle some, as I no longer believe much of what I was taught about religion growing up. Nevertheless, I like the joy, happiness, and optimism of this music. While my thoughts about Jesus have changed, I still find him to be an amazing teacher and prophet, and celebrating his birth feels right to me.

 

10 albums in 10 days, Day 9 (better late than never)

 

Damageplan – “New Found Power”

 

After the breakup of Pantera, brothers Dimebag Darrell (guitar) and Vinnie Paul (drums) formed Damageplan, which recorded this one album before Dimebag Darrell was killed by a member of the audience during a concert promoting the album.

 

“New Found Power” sounds a lot like Pantera’s albums – and particularly “Vulgar Display of Power” – which is why I like it so much. Like Pantera’s work, this album has a heavy sound, but also has a groove to it.

 

I’ve read that this album was about the demise of Pantera and the eventual moving on and discovering new strengths. I agree with this assessment. Songs such as “Fuck You” and “Explode” seem to be directed at Phil Anselmo (whose drug addiction and erratic behavior led to the breakup of Pantera), while "Reborn", "Wake Up", and "Breathing New Life" are about new beginnings.

 

10 albums in 10 days, Day 10 (I never said which 10 days)

 

Studio 30 – “Ain’t No More”

 

The second, and last, release by Studio 30, my brother’s and sister-in-law’s band Studio 30, a solid classic rock outfit with excellent hooks, grooves, and atmospheric playing.

 

“You’re Not Mine” – great bass line by Rich Mascio, supported by excellent drumming by Dave Huba. And Karen’s vocals are on point, as is the guitar solo by Glenn Anderson and rhythm guitar by Mike.

 

“In Another Life” – great atmospheric playing and vocals in the verses, supported by strong classic rock vibe in the choruses and guitar solo.

 

“Why Did You Leave Me” – full of grooves and excellent guitar solos, plus Karen’s on point vocals.

 

“Never Ending Love (Part 2)” – a sentimental favorite. There is a “Never Ending Love” part 1. Mike wrote and recorded that song as a gift for my parents’ 35th wedding anniversary. “Part 2” continues the story through Mike and Karen.

Sunday, July 06, 2025

Freeway Fright

I took a drive to the Eastern suburbs on Saturday – Lyndhurst and Mayfield to be specific. I went to Mar-Lou shoes (which specializes in hard to fit shoe sizes) and Micro Center (computers). But it’s not the destinations I’m writing about today. It’s the trip itself, the driving. I have a case of freeway fright, which at one point morphed into full-blown vehophobia, which is the fear of driving.

My freeway phobia emerged around 2013. It started slowly at first, just some nervousness while driving on the highway, but it picked up steam, and I began to have full blown panic attacks on the highway. So, I avoided highways. This was a problem because I was living in Parma at the time, but working in Mayfield Village. Eventually, I developed a fear of driving on any road.

I ended up taking a leave of absence from my job to work on these issues with my therapist, and to work on developing my ability to drive again. And eventually, I was able to drive again, and I even worked my way up to working on highways again.

My freeway phobia re-emerged over the last three years or so. It hasn’t been quite as intense as my first bout of it. But it has been a struggle nonetheless. I still drive on highways when I need to – well, most of the time. My freeway fright and I even took a trip to Columbus last fall. I was terrified a lot of the trip down, but I did it.

My current therapist and I have a theory about why I developed the freeway phobia back when. If you read my earliest blog entries, you know that I had cancer multiple times – four times to be exact: in 2005, 2007, 2009, and 2011. I’m fortunate to be NED (no evidence of disease) since 2011. But back in 2013, my mind was probably gearing up to fight for my life again. When I stayed physically healthy, my mind didn’t know what to do, so it glommed onto something that could potentially take my life, the most dangerous thing that most people do, which is driving.

But why has my freeway fright re-emerged this time? Is it because of the threatening political situation? I am a woman, queer, and a member of a minority, non-Christian religion, and I do feel frightened by the current regime. Is it because the 20th anniversary of my first cancer diagnosis – and my 60th birthday – are coming up this fall? Is it connected to being laid off from the job I held for 20 years right before the COVID pandemic began. Was it the pandemic? All of these things? I don’t know.

Anyway, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve felt inexplicably calmer while driving on the highway. Not all the time, but much of the time. Saturday was one of those days. AND I noticed it. I was almost afraid of jinxing it because I noticed it, but that didn’t happen. In fact, I almost enjoyed the drive. Why? Beats me. I wish I could figure it out, so I could keep doing whatever it is that kept my calm. 

Friday, July 04, 2025

Do you really love me?

 

I’m back!

Wow, I haven’t written for this blog since 2009, during which I had cancer for the third time. I’m happy to report that I am NOT in cancer treatment right now – I just feel moved to write again.

Last Sunday, we had our annual Pride Service at church, which I participated in as the Worship Associate. The service highlighted both queer anger and the love that is at the center of it. Our minister, who is a wonderful ally, gave a powerful, fiery sermon. It was really affirming and brought many in the congregation to tears. At the end of the sermon, our minister affirmed that we LGBTQIA+ folks are loved – that she loves us, our congregation loves us, the divine loves us. There were also two poems read really well by two young trans folks in our congregation. And the service ended with a glitter blessing, which I helped to administer, that I found really meaningful.

That service stayed with me all week and got me thinking a lot about the people in my life who say they love me, especially some members of my extended family. I can’t help but wonder if they really do. There are some whom I know are Trump supporters. How can they say them love me and at the same time support a regime (and I use that word on purpose) that is so cruel and harmful to queer people?

Although I do have to admit, I’ve never come out specifically to my extended family. I assume some of them know that I am gay because I’ve posted things on Facebook that clearly indicate that I am, including clips of myself preaching my truth in church. So I’m sure some of them have caught on. But I don’t talk about myself as queer when I see them.

Part of that is that it is hard to bring it up casually when you are single. I can’t refer in passing to my girlfriend or wife. And part of it is a reticence to rock the boat in the family. I don’t think my parents would particularly like it if I were more open.

I remember when I was growing up, my parents were always very private about their political leanings, except with a few chosen people. My parents always said that how you vote is private and personal, and you shouldn’t discuss politics with anyone except those closest to you. Same, to a lesser degree with religion. I mean, we did acknowledge that we were Catholic and involved with our church. But discussing your deep beliefs? Nope.

I can’t help but wonder if this way of thinking and acting hasn’t added to our inability as a nation to calmly discuss differenced in political and religious belief. I also wonder what my parents make of me now. I don’t think they really like it when I am “out.” I remember when I first started this blog and the website that I once had, my mom said to me, “Dad said that you are out on your website?” in a disapproving way.

I know that part of this is fear for what could happen to me. There are people who would have no qualms about hurting me or killing me for being queer. But I think part of this is also discomfort with what people – especially extended family – might think.

But back to the extended family. I suspect that what they love is memories of me as a little kid. Most of them don’t really know me as an adult. I suspect that if they did, they wouldn’t love me quite as much.