Coming Out, yet again

 

I hate it when I have to come out to someone, especially someone I just met. To be clear, I don’t make a habit of telling people as soon as I meet them, “Oh yeah, btw, I’m gay.” I figure that over the course of knowing someone, if I just talk about my life, they’ll figure it out.

But coming out to someone individually is different for me than, say, talking about my sexual orientation from the pulpit at church or writing in my blog about it. One might think those things might be more difficult, but for me, they are not. I’m not sure why. Maybe because in those situations, I’m shielded from people’s immediate individual reactions to the information. My listeners or my readers may react and give me their reactions, but there is generally something less immediate about it. And the thing is, I’ve not yet really had a bad reaction from anyone when I’ve told them one-on-one in person that I’m gay. But it is something that I have always feared. I’m afraid of the feeling of rejection.

I also hate that I have to keep making the decision about whether to come out in different situations over and over again. And that I have to come out at all. In our heteronormative culture, everyone assumes everyone else is cisgender and heterosexual (unless proven otherwise). And everyone does it. I do it. If nothing else, it seems a lot safer to assume this, or at least to act like I am.

Anyway, I met in person with someone I met from the Flattie-OH Facebook page (a meet-up/support group for people who either have had mastectomies with flat closures or explanted their implants to flat). We’re talking about carpooling to an overnight event in the Hocking Hills area. Since I might be in a car for like seven hours round trip with this person, I figure that I should know whether she is homophobic or not. I actually considered opening our conversation with “I know that this is a dealbreaker for some people, so I just wanted to let you know that I’m gay.” I didn’t’ actually do that. We had a really nice conversation, and she eventually asked, “so, you’ve never married?” So I replied, “No, and if I ever were to, it would be to a woman.” She didn’t’ seem to blanch at that. She asked if my parents are okay with that, and I said yes. And then we went on with our conversation. Still, I felt a little uneasy, and still do. We’ll see if our plans to travel together come to fruition. I hope so, because I really enjoyed her company, and I am more comfortable driving with a companion. But I am always a little insecure when I come out to someone new.