Freeway Fright

I took a drive to the Eastern suburbs on Saturday – Lyndhurst and Mayfield to be specific. I went to Mar-Lou shoes (which specializes in hard to fit shoe sizes) and Micro Center (computers). But it’s not the destinations I’m writing about today. It’s the trip itself, the driving. I have a case of freeway fright, which at one point morphed into full-blown vehophobia, which is the fear of driving.

My freeway phobia emerged around 2013. It started slowly at first, just some nervousness while driving on the highway, but it picked up steam, and I began to have full blown panic attacks on the highway. So, I avoided highways. This was a problem because I was living in Parma at the time, but working in Mayfield Village. Eventually, I developed a fear of driving on any road.

I ended up taking a leave of absence from my job to work on these issues with my therapist, and to work on developing my ability to drive again. And eventually, I was able to drive again, and I even worked my way up to working on highways again.

My freeway phobia re-emerged over the last three years or so. It hasn’t been quite as intense as my first bout of it. But it has been a struggle nonetheless. I still drive on highways when I need to – well, most of the time. My freeway fright and I even took a trip to Columbus last fall. I was terrified a lot of the trip down, but I did it.

My current therapist and I have a theory about why I developed the freeway phobia back when. If you read my earliest blog entries, you know that I had cancer multiple times – four times to be exact: in 2005, 2007, 2009, and 2011. I’m fortunate to be NED (no evidence of disease) since 2011. But back in 2013, my mind was probably gearing up to fight for my life again. When I stayed physically healthy, my mind didn’t know what to do, so it glommed onto something that could potentially take my life, the most dangerous thing that most people do, which is driving.

But why has my freeway fright re-emerged this time? Is it because of the threatening political situation? I am a woman, queer, and a member of a minority, non-Christian religion, and I do feel frightened by the current regime. Is it because the 20^th anniversary of my first cancer diagnosis – and my 60^th birthday – are coming up this fall? Is it connected to being laid off from the job I held for 20 years right before the COVID pandemic began. Was it the pandemic? All of these things? I don’t know.

Anyway, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve felt inexplicably calmer while driving on the highway. Not all the time, but much of the time. Saturday was one of those days. AND I noticed it. I was almost afraid of jinxing it because I noticed it, but that didn’t happen. In fact, I almost enjoyed the drive. Why? Beats me. I wish I could figure it out, so I could keep doing whatever it is that kept my calm.