A Car Ride Through Memories

 So after tai chi class this evening I stopped at Layne’s Chicken for dinner. I was not favorably impressed. The food was tolerable, but not good. Raisin’ Canes is better.

Then I drove home. I opened my sunroof and my windows, with the music turned up. It reminded me of driving around during summer evenings during grad school, first in my 1977 Chevy Impala (with holes in the floor board and gas tank!) and then my 1986 Chevy Prism (which had an aftermarket sunroof that leaked when it rained). I’m even listening to the same music! (at least tonight I was). I used to drive around to entertain myself. I guess I was kind of lonely in the evenings back then. That was before I discovered UUism and joined the church in Kent. Many of my friends in school were married and didn’t live in Kent. Of course, during the summer, I should have been industrious, working on my foreign language requirement or working up some of my research papers into articles for publication.

But I wasn’t industrious or ambitious enough. Oh, I was an excellent student when class was in session in fall and spring semester. I had a 4.0 grade point average throughout my MA and Ph.D. programs. But during the summer, I just messed around. Hung out with my friends (during the day), played video games, and rode my bike to Brady Lake and up to campus. Anything but academic work, except during the six weeks I had summer school. I guess I was just too used to summer’s off from schoolwork.

And also I guess that lack of industriousness and ambition was the reason I did not finish my Ph.D. and why I was ultimately not cut out for professional academic life. I was good at being a student when taking classes were involved. But all this “working up” of side projects, like publishing papers, was not for me. At least not at the time. I was deadline driven. And without a deadline, I did nothing. 

I was also kinda stuck in an extended adolescence. I was struggling to deal with my sexual orientation (that could be a whole series of blog entries). I was flailing around in my mind, trying to figure out what I really wanted to do with my life. I was searching spiritually. I was kind of a mess.

Looking back at that time, though, I was learning and growing. The struggles and flailing and searching did propel me on the path to my life now. It took 30 years, but I’m finally getting my shit together. Not perfect, but much more self-aware and responsive than the younger version of me. Now if I only had the energy of youth!

Hope

 Hope. It’s hard to hang on to right now.

I had lunch with a younger friend last Saturday. They are leading Sunday’s service at church, and I am their Worship Associate. Their topic is ‘“The Discipline of Hope.” We had a good conversation about the service and the topic, and I found them very inspiring. But then we left the cafe and went back out into the world.

Over the last five or six years, I’ve come to struggle with the topic of hope, which has been complicated by the current regime in power now. It came to a head several years ago, when I heard a sermon by Rev. Michael Dowd. He was an American author, Christian minister, lecturer, and advocate of ecotheology and post-doom. 

The Wikipedia article about Michael Dowd states:

In 2015 Dowd read the 1980 book by William R. Catton Jr.: Overshoot: The Ecological Basis of Revolutionary Change. That reading "changed everything" for Dowd and launched him on the path he would later call postdoom.[30] John Halstead described Catton's influence in a memorium for Dowd that he wrote in 2023: "Post-doom teaches that, ironically, it is the very urge to cling to hope and the faith in progress and technology that is driving us faster and faster toward our own annihilation. When we refuse to acknowledge natural limits, then we end up hastening the very outcome that we want to avoid."[31]

By 2019 Dowd had pivoted his message to a pastoral form of support for those who, like himself, had lost hope that climate change, ecological overshoot, biodiversity loss and other causes of civilizational collapse already underway could be halted.[25] Post-doom was the word he coined for the process of moving through the stages of grief,[30] then beyond mere acceptance and more fully into "calm, clarity, and courageous love-in-action."[32] Increasingly, he became known as the "postdoom pastor."[33]

After I heard Rev. Dowd preach, I was depressed for a week. And yet I also felt a kind of calmness and clarity as well. Rev. Dowd captured in his sermon what I had been suspecting myself for quite a while by that point. I read Catton’s book “Overshoot” myself, and it made sense to me. The book demonstrates how environments can support only a limited amount of life. And when an environment is overtaxed, the life that is there goes extinct. Per “Overshoot,” the earth in its entirety has become overtaxed.

One of the things that “Overshoot” discusses is what can happen in human society in an overtaxed, dying environment. And one of those things is facism. “Overshoot” discusses how the scarcity in Germany caused by the sanctions placed on the country as a result of the First World War fed into the rise of facism in that country. And now we see it happening not only here in the US but elsewhere in the world.

And yet. And yet. There is something in me that hangs on. When my mom says things like, “As long as there are people, there will never be peace on earth,” I cringe. I want to believe that the Beloved Community that MLK spoke about is possible. I want to believe that “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.” 

And even if climate change is too far gone for us to reverse it, I still think about a quotation attributed to Martin Luther: “If I knew that tomorrow was the end of the world, I would plant an apple tree today!” This is the mindset to which I aspire.

Coming Out, yet again

 

I hate it when I have to come out to someone, especially someone I just met. To be clear, I don’t make a habit of telling people as soon as I meet them, “Oh yeah, btw, I’m gay.” I figure that over the course of knowing someone, if I just talk about my life, they’ll figure it out.

But coming out to someone individually is different for me than, say, talking about my sexual orientation from the pulpit at church or writing in my blog about it. One might think those things might be more difficult, but for me, they are not. I’m not sure why. Maybe because in those situations, I’m shielded from people’s immediate individual reactions to the information. My listeners or my readers may react and give me their reactions, but there is generally something less immediate about it. And the thing is, I’ve not yet really had a bad reaction from anyone when I’ve told them one-on-one in person that I’m gay. But it is something that I have always feared. I’m afraid of the feeling of rejection.

I also hate that I have to keep making the decision about whether to come out in different situations over and over again. And that I have to come out at all. In our heteronormative culture, everyone assumes everyone else is cisgender and heterosexual (unless proven otherwise). And everyone does it. I do it. If nothing else, it seems a lot safer to assume this, or at least to act like I am.

Anyway, I met in person with someone I met from the Flattie-OH Facebook page (a meet-up/support group for people who either have had mastectomies with flat closures or explanted their implants to flat). We’re talking about carpooling to an overnight event in the Hocking Hills area. Since I might be in a car for like seven hours round trip with this person, I figure that I should know whether she is homophobic or not. I actually considered opening our conversation with “I know that this is a dealbreaker for some people, so I just wanted to let you know that I’m gay.” I didn’t’ actually do that. We had a really nice conversation, and she eventually asked, “so, you’ve never married?” So I replied, “No, and if I ever were to, it would be to a woman.” She didn’t’ seem to blanch at that. She asked if my parents are okay with that, and I said yes. And then we went on with our conversation. Still, I felt a little uneasy, and still do. We’ll see if our plans to travel together come to fruition. I hope so, because I really enjoyed her company, and I am more comfortable driving with a companion. But I am always a little insecure when I come out to someone new.

10 albums in 10 days challenge - 2020

 

Back in 2020, on Facebook, I responded to a “10 albums in 10 days” challenge that my sister-in-law tagged me in. I came across it recently and decided to share it here. I’m also working on a new list for 2025 (although it’ll take me longer than 10 days.)

 I accept Karen Celinski’s “10 albums in 10 days” challenge.

The rules are you post 10 albums, 1 every day. The original way was to leave no explanation, but the explanation is the fun part!

It does NOT have to be a “best of all time” album, just an album you think is noteworthy for whatever reason, be it personal or musical.

 

1. The Flirtations – Three

The final album by the final incarnation of this LGBT a cappella group. As in their earlier work, Three continued to both celebrate gay culture with fun and clever songs (e.g., Food Chain; Fun, Fun, Fun; Mister Sandman) and to call to action in the AIDs crisis and homophobia (Breaths, On Children, Do Not Turn Away, Everything Possible)

The harmonies and complicated arrangements are stunning. If you think Pentatonix is good, you should hear the Flirtations.

This album is particularly special to me because it includes my favorite song, Everything Possible, which takes the point of view of a parent talking to a child about how the parent will always love the child, no matter:

You can be anybody you want to be,

You can love whomever you will

You can travel any country where your heart leads

And know I will love you still

You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around,

You can choose one special one

And the only measure of your words and your deeds

Will be the love you leave behind when you're done.

How I wish I had heard this song when I was growing up. While I know now that my parents love me, gayness and all, it was something I could not imagine when I was growing up.

 

 10 albums 10 days, Day 2

 

Metallica – “Load”

 

One of my favorite Metallica albums. I also think it is underrated. While I love their early thrash albums, I find Load to be a good mix of their heavier side with the radio-friendly aspects of the Black album.

 

In addition, this album contains my favorite Metallica track "Bleeding Me". I love the lyrics of this song, the way James Hetfield sings, and Kirk Hammett’s guitar solos. I was in graduate school when this album was released, and I was struggling with what I wanted to do with my life, mental health issues, and the process of continuing to come out. “Bleeding Me” is a song about struggling that resonates deeply with me.

 

I also remember taking my daily walks listening to this album. The first two tracks (“Ain’t My Bitch,” “2 X 4”) were great for setting a pace for my walk.

 

Another standout track for me is "The Outlaw Torn", another song about struggle.

 

 10 albums 10 days, Day 3

 

Pantera – “Vulgar Display of Power”

 

This is one of my all-time favorite albums. I remember when I first heard it. I was in graduate school, but was home for spring break. One evening, after my parents went to sleep, I decided to play this new cassette I got. I had to play it quietly on my boom box, because I had no headphones. I was transfixed by the album. I knew a few tracks in that this would become a classic album. “Vulgar Display of Power” has a heavy sound, but also has a groove to it, thanks to the work of drummer Vinnie Paul and bassist Rex Brown. Guitarist Dimebag Darrell could really shred it, with intricate, original leads. His rhythm work also added to the groove. Phil Anselmo’s vocals range from screams and howls to more conventional singing.

One of the things I love about this album is how it – in some songs – brings positive messages about standing up for oneself, such as on “A New Level” and "Fucking Hostile". “Rise” makes a case for creating a society that does not hate, that is based on pride and mutual respect.

Of course, an album of this genre wouldn’t be complete without a dark song or two. “This Love” is from the point of view of a man who seduces a woman into a creepy, abusive relationship. “Hollow” is about a man whose best friend is in a comatose state. The song starts fairly softly, but transforms into a howl with the lyrics “mad at God” repeated.

 

10 albums in 10 days, Day 4 (Yes, I’m a little late with this. Sorry)

 

Melissa Etheridge – “Your Little Secret”

 

While not as commercially successful as her previous album (“Yes I Am), I have a sweet spot for this album. For one thing, the title song rocks and Melissa performs one of the best screams of any vocalist I’ve ever heard.

 

This album also reflects the influence of Bruce Springsteen on Melissa, in songs like “Nowhere to Go”, “I Want to Come Over” and "Shriner's Park".

 

Melissa’s band on the album is really tight. John Shanks really shreds on guitar, Mark Brown is rocking on bass, and Kenny Aronoff tops it off with some awesome drumming.

 

10 albums in 10 days, Day 5

 

ABBA – Super Trouper

 

In addition to being a big ol’ metal head and a rocker in general, I love ABBA. I have since I was introduced to them when I was about 10 or so. I love the harmonies, the over-the-top-choruses, the layering of sounds. Benny Andersson and Björn Ulvaeus wrote some snazzy tunes, and Agnetha Fältskog and Frida Lyngstad really delivered on the vocals.

 

Super Trouper is my favorite ABBA album. “The Winner Takes It All" is the best known song on the album, but there are other gems, such as the title track (with its particularly over-the-top chorus), "On and on and On" (with its rollicking chorus and clever lyrics), and “Andante, Andante" (a tender song about making love).

 

Other standouts include “Me and I" (which explores the dual parts of the protagonist a la Dr. Freud), "Happy New Year" (the end of 1979, with wondering what “lies waiting down the line in the end of ‘89”), "The Piper" (a Pied-Piper attracting adults to dance their lives away) and "The Way Old Friends Do”.

 

10 albums in 10 days, Day 6

 

Bon Jovi – “New Jersey”

 

Bon Jovi is one of my favorite bands. I enjoy their music from back in the day, as well as recent releases (special shout out to “Burning Bridges” and “This House Is Not for Sale”).

 

But for my Bon Jovi selection, I have to go old school with “New Jersey”. This album is classic 80s hard rock. The tunes are catchy, there are great hooks, the vocal harmonies between Jon and Richie are outstanding, and the musicianship of the entire band is excellent.

 

It is hard to pick out highlights from this album because all the tracks are so good. My particular favorites –  excluding the excellent songs that were singles – are "Wild Is the Wind" (I love the contrast between the chorus and the verses) , "Stick to Your Guns" (another in Bon Jovi’s line of songs about sticking up for yourself) and "Love for Sale" (a track that simulates jammin’ during a songwriting session).

 

 

10 albums in 10 days, Day 7 (yeah, I’m behind, sorry)

 

Janis Ian – “God & the FBI”

 

I was turned on to Janis Ian by a friend from my church when I was in grad school. She convinced me to go with her to a Janis Ian show at Cain Park. The only song I knew of Ian’s was “At Seventeen”. I was transfixed by Ian’s performance. Her vocals were amazing, her guitar playing was spot on, and the songs were varied and excellent.

“God & the FBI” is one of my favorites of Janis Ian’s albums. It has all the things I love about her music: her classic lost love songs (“She Must Be Beautiful”), amusing songs with clever lyrics (“Jolene”, “Boots Like Emmy Lou's”), political songs (“God & the FBI”), songs of a spiritual nature (“On The Other Side”).

To get the story behind the album, as well as lyrics, see this link: https://www.janisian.com/albums/god.php

 

10 albums in 10 days, Day 8

 

Peter, Paul, and Mary – “A Holiday Celebration”

 

This entry is a twofer for me, encompassing my love of PP&M and my love of Christmas music.

 

This album is a companion piece to the PBS holiday special by PP&M (along with The New York Choral Society and a full orchestra). I actually like the PBS special more than the album, because the former had more songs in it.

 

As far as PP&M, I love their intricate harmonies and arrangements, on display especially in “A Soalin’”; “The Cherry Tree Carol”; and with the choir on “Children Go Where I Send Thee” and “Hayo, Haya”. I’m also impressed by the guitar work of Peter and Paul, particularly on “A Soalin’”. I also love their songs dealing with social justice and change (which are not really showcased on this album, except for the inclusion of “Blowin’ in the Wind”.)

 

My love of Christmas music might puzzle some, as I no longer believe much of what I was taught about religion growing up. Nevertheless, I like the joy, happiness, and optimism of this music. While my thoughts about Jesus have changed, I still find him to be an amazing teacher and prophet, and celebrating his birth feels right to me.

 

10 albums in 10 days, Day 9 (better late than never)

 

Damageplan – “New Found Power”

 

After the breakup of Pantera, brothers Dimebag Darrell (guitar) and Vinnie Paul (drums) formed Damageplan, which recorded this one album before Dimebag Darrell was killed by a member of the audience during a concert promoting the album.

 

“New Found Power” sounds a lot like Pantera’s albums – and particularly “Vulgar Display of Power” – which is why I like it so much. Like Pantera’s work, this album has a heavy sound, but also has a groove to it.

 

I’ve read that this album was about the demise of Pantera and the eventual moving on and discovering new strengths. I agree with this assessment. Songs such as “Fuck You” and “Explode” seem to be directed at Phil Anselmo (whose drug addiction and erratic behavior led to the breakup of Pantera), while "Reborn", "Wake Up", and "Breathing New Life" are about new beginnings.

 

10 albums in 10 days, Day 10 (I never said which 10 days)

 

Studio 30 – “Ain’t No More”

 

The second, and last, release by Studio 30, my brother’s and sister-in-law’s band Studio 30, a solid classic rock outfit with excellent hooks, grooves, and atmospheric playing.

 

“You’re Not Mine” – great bass line by Rich Mascio, supported by excellent drumming by Dave Huba. And Karen’s vocals are on point, as is the guitar solo by Glenn Anderson and rhythm guitar by Mike.

 

“In Another Life” – great atmospheric playing and vocals in the verses, supported by strong classic rock vibe in the choruses and guitar solo.

 

“Why Did You Leave Me” – full of grooves and excellent guitar solos, plus Karen’s on point vocals.

 

“Never Ending Love (Part 2)” – a sentimental favorite. There is a “Never Ending Love” part 1. Mike wrote and recorded that song as a gift for my parents’ 35^th wedding anniversary. “Part 2” continues the story through Mike and Karen.

Freeway Fright

I took a drive to the Eastern suburbs on Saturday – Lyndhurst and Mayfield to be specific. I went to Mar-Lou shoes (which specializes in hard to fit shoe sizes) and Micro Center (computers). But it’s not the destinations I’m writing about today. It’s the trip itself, the driving. I have a case of freeway fright, which at one point morphed into full-blown vehophobia, which is the fear of driving.

My freeway phobia emerged around 2013. It started slowly at first, just some nervousness while driving on the highway, but it picked up steam, and I began to have full blown panic attacks on the highway. So, I avoided highways. This was a problem because I was living in Parma at the time, but working in Mayfield Village. Eventually, I developed a fear of driving on any road.

I ended up taking a leave of absence from my job to work on these issues with my therapist, and to work on developing my ability to drive again. And eventually, I was able to drive again, and I even worked my way up to working on highways again.

My freeway phobia re-emerged over the last three years or so. It hasn’t been quite as intense as my first bout of it. But it has been a struggle nonetheless. I still drive on highways when I need to – well, most of the time. My freeway fright and I even took a trip to Columbus last fall. I was terrified a lot of the trip down, but I did it.

My current therapist and I have a theory about why I developed the freeway phobia back when. If you read my earliest blog entries, you know that I had cancer multiple times – four times to be exact: in 2005, 2007, 2009, and 2011. I’m fortunate to be NED (no evidence of disease) since 2011. But back in 2013, my mind was probably gearing up to fight for my life again. When I stayed physically healthy, my mind didn’t know what to do, so it glommed onto something that could potentially take my life, the most dangerous thing that most people do, which is driving.

But why has my freeway fright re-emerged this time? Is it because of the threatening political situation? I am a woman, queer, and a member of a minority, non-Christian religion, and I do feel frightened by the current regime. Is it because the 20^th anniversary of my first cancer diagnosis – and my 60^th birthday – are coming up this fall? Is it connected to being laid off from the job I held for 20 years right before the COVID pandemic began. Was it the pandemic? All of these things? I don’t know.

Anyway, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve felt inexplicably calmer while driving on the highway. Not all the time, but much of the time. Saturday was one of those days. AND I noticed it. I was almost afraid of jinxing it because I noticed it, but that didn’t happen. In fact, I almost enjoyed the drive. Why? Beats me. I wish I could figure it out, so I could keep doing whatever it is that kept my calm.